Thoughts on passion-attachment

When you have no passion
you have no attachment
you choose death
over life

Buddhist teachings about having no attachment-best thing?
but no attachment means no passion, no life. Having no passion gives me the sense of not living, thus dying.
so why is it they are are hailing this concept?
a positive in dying? or the concept of having no attachment so that you are closer to dying and thus more balanced on an existance between life and death?

Perfection

Let me tell you a secret
It is not mans job
to be perfect
Most of us are born
broken
lied to
cheated
murdered
and raped

So lets rejoice
on imperfection
for there
exists drudgery
in every
grace

Remembering how to write

She thought to herself how she used to write in the third person as a dog or a cat. What would I write about now if I wrote a short story, what could possibly pop into my head now that can be as simple and eloquent as a cat who doesnt like baths? As we grow older and have more life experiences, she thought, our stories tend to overcomplicate themselves. Just like Matisse went back to his childhood drawings of simplicity, so do I want to write in a lyrical flow about lifes simple passing moments.

This morning when she awoke, she saw the blinding bright light again. It has been happening most of this week, where she wakes up and feels like she could be on a stranded beach somewhere, the bright sun reflecting off the sand. But no, she wasnt on a beach, she was in her room. The room that was threatening to engulf her, to trap her in its low ceilings and never let her explore outward.

When she goes down to the kitchen for that cup of tea, each step seems to bring her back to when she lived in another house with three floors and a staircase. Somedays it doesnt seem like so long ago that she lived in that house with her parents; in that neighbourhood above the skyline.

As she sips her tea she wonders what she would do today.

She walks down the path along the river where no one would find her. The sound of the river fills her ears as if a wave flooded her being. Her senses awaken and her eyes open to the fall colors in the trees and on the ground. The tall grasses shly wave goodmorning, another butterfly dances across her face.

I could be here all day, she thought. I could be here all day, until I truly see into the soul of every tree, of every blade of grass, of every animal that I hear. She touches the branches, she loves the feel of a rough piece of bark in her hands. She winds her way through the farm and up into the orchard. It always amazed her how every fruit grew from a small bead to become a pound of food. She didnt learn that until she moved away from the city.

The morning sun was getting lower and soon it became afternoon. There seemed to be tasks and chores ahead, so she started back toward the house. She never liked to take the same path back, and so she went up and over a little hill before descending back to town.

As soon as her house was in sight, she felt a sense of hesitation. Those long walks that so rejuvenate her also give rise to ever pending thoughts. That chair on the porch always pulled at her, but being back at the house meant an end to this particular walk; an end to this particular pending thought. It also meant an end to this particular little glimpse at her own soul.

Seeing at eye level

Maybe I have really mellowed out with age. I think about when I was a vegetarian, a raw foodist, a hot yoga enthusiast, or when I was a calculus craze, or when I used to erase and rewrite every letter in a word if it was'nt perfect. Someone who is all these things is bound to have a more judgemental outlook, a bigger ego. No matter how much of the intention is fighting for the good, upholding the code of conduct and morals; it ultimately still comes from a place of seperation and not equanimity. But where is everyone coming from? The same place.

More and more I learn to look everyone at eye level; not just blinded by one perspective.

Life is Perfect: perfectly strange

I am here and here is now. Here, now, is perfect. It hit me tonight after dinner as I was dreaming of Pacheco. I started to see so many paralells between Pacheco and Nelson. Both these places of scared energy, places for transformation. It makes so much sense now, the journey I had to go through after the transformation game. All the places i saw, and most importantly the good and many bad experiences I encountered. Both Nelson and Pacheco are places of such strong energy one is only meant to be there to transform and leave. After only a short time in Nelson so much shit hit the fan that I was very worried. It is like what the couple from San Franciso said, if you are aware and willing to tap into that well of energy, your life goes fast forward times ten when you come to Nelson. It was like that for me in Pacheco too. So much happened so fast. It sucked me in and soon it pushed me out. The canyon welcomes you, but also lets you know when its time for you to leave. It is so important for us to listen to that.
It feels so good to be here in Fernie. Even though life is always uncertain and things are still unsettling right now, it feels good to know everything that was strange in the past 4 monthes was just perfect. No matter how long I meditate/reflect/introspect to reach that point of understanding when I have conflict in my life, that point of understanding is always already right here and within my peripheral vision the entire time...!

Give the world the finger, pass the caramel corn please!

A week in Fernie and several days of cleaning other peoples houses later ( you first have to clean what you are paying to rent, no house is clean in the kootenays it seems )....I am here and jobless. Again uncertainty. Life is uncertain enough as is even if one has a job, a wife, a husband, children, a mailbox, a permanent address, a line of credit....imagine a life without any of those things...it is liberating yet very lonely and frustrating. Hard to stay afloat and focused on our goals when we are given complete freedom. People who have an abundance of money and a lack theroff run into this same problem. I think i would rather be the rich one. Then at least i wouldnt be a slave to fate. O well, the grass is always greener on the other side. Anyway, both fate and money has carried me here thus far. It is very beautiful and still souful here in Fernie. Yet flaky people are everywhere and I see that here as well. The kootenays man....!
Upon my first day here I went to a local woodwork place that was advertising for workers. I was told I could be slot in on Monday. It is a week later and still no word. I call and they say they want workers and are apologetic, they keep saying the head carpenter will get back to me. Is everyone on some other clock around these parts or what?
The past year has been so much about following my gut that my gut is tired of giving any signals. I ask the heart for advice and it too has told me to fuck off. So I proceeded to buy a bag of caramel corn and now I feel a little better. You know how sometimes you are walking your path and staying true to your heart and you run into all sorts of disheartening road blocks? You start to lose all patience and you want to give the world the finger....yes I am very much at that point now. Infact I would like to give everyone the finger. And no I am not on any hormonal drugs, although there is a lot of sugar in this caramel corn...

Music for the upbeat melancholy romantic

Last month I was addicted to Jesse Cooks’ Tempest. I just could not get enough of it. Over and over again, I sat through the entire album. The past couple of days I am going through a different album: Eric Claptons Unplugged. I picture myself at the live performance, dying in the presence of such beauty. The following artists I have put on heavy rotation lately, since they never fail to put a smile on my face; some because they are so upbeat, others because they are simply amazing. So if you want to smile: Including the above two, I have been enjoying-

Tim O’Brien: Traveler
bluegrass songs about travelling, enduring love, the restless spirit.
David Byrne: Feelings and Look into the Eyeball
intelligent and witty, never fails to put me in a good mood.
Paul Simon Rhythm of the Saints
all the drum beats and the world music flavor makes me see the world as wide open.
Loose Ties: Yule Tie
I play this Christmas CD all year round and it drives people crazy. It is the most upbeat bluegrass merry music, what christmas music should be about!
Lyle Lovett
quirky, sarcastic, dark humor, odd, bluesy. Perfect for those quirky, sarcastic, dark humor, odd times.
Live: The Distance to Here
I am not a fan of some of the hard music but I find the lyrics profound, unbelievable.
Bob Dylan and Grateful Dead
For sitting out in the wood shed and thinking about everything and nothing at all
Jackie Green: American Myth
A young roots and blues artist who can write lyrics, simultaneously sings, plays the harmonica, guitar, piano, keyboard; and puts on an amazing show.
Tenacious D
Especially the inward singing song when he fires his bandmate, I have fallen over laughing.
Indigo Girls
I find their voices so beautiful and harmonius. They can sing about toilets and I would still love them...
Nusraf Fateh Ali Khan: Magic Touch
How did this guy make such cutting edge Indian music at his age? Must have been the magic touch.
Ry Cooder and VM Bhatt: Meeting by the River
Music recorded on the Ganges. For mornings, evenings, and painting music during the day.
Bob Marley and Wailers, The Ethiopians
Takes away even the biggest frown on a face.
Johann Strauss Jr
If you don't feel upbeat listening to waltz...?Look below coz upbeat is not your thing...!

For the mellow melancholy times
John Denver, Neil Young, Gordon Lightfoot

For the mellow romantic times
Tracy Chapman, Natalie Merchant

“Lately I’ve been running on faith...”

Coincidently, my favorite song on the Unplugged album even before I started listening to the lyrics.
That transformation game was no joke. Looking back, I can only laugh. Just before Sept 2nd when Saturn leaves my realm, it is deciding to leave with a KABAAM! Because I certainly did not expect most of my savings would be drained in the last few monthes, nor did I expect that by now I would still be jobless and homeless. And I definetly did not expect to be taken for and stalked by seemingly decent folks. Come to think of it, the thing that has been most rewarding is that I did'nt really have any expectations for this place, just some hopeful intentions. The fact that I have been taking it one day at a time has made things much easier.

Don’t have expectations, have intentions and actions. And faith!

Lessons of a wandering artist

It has been three weeks since I've been cocooned at my neighbours great empty pad. Instead of saying, “It has been three weeks what have I done?”, I shall say, “It has been three weeks, what have I learned?” Well....I have noticed that Nelson is a very intense and yet very forgiving place to learn ones lessons. After the last two monthes of limbo involving some very disheartening yet comical, mystical, and insightful adventures, I feel my lessons have been a how to of this list:

1.) Set boundaries
2.) Balance compassion with loserfilter
3.) Protect oneself with confidence, calm, and reason
4.) Don’t let oneself be taken for
5.) Purification through meditation, not always through karmic suffering
6.) Letting go of past suffering.

Sometimes I feel so old, yet I am always reminded that I am really only 23. I am just a newborn twitching my fingers and toes. All of the above I am still learning, just like any other young adult. And these are undoubtedly life-long lessons, though I do hope I get a better handle on them before I get old and grumpy with no teeth...

meheheh : ]

Selective spontaneity

Sometimes when I am faced with many choices, I secretly wish that most of them will turn out crappy except for one. This is a psychological downfall of non-decisiveness. If I have 2 parties to go to, or 3 houses to look at for rent, or 3 job offers, why would i want to wish that most of them will turn out shoddy and strange? Its because if they are all miraculously great I will be tempted by all of the choices and not be able to make a sound decision. It is this secret wish that most of the offers I get in life will be shoddy except for one exceptional perfect ding! that makes life sometimes just this way. How ridiculously dumb is that? Yes, that is me!
So these days I try to focus on being selective. I try to pick my battles, not catch everything thrown at me, and trust that my choices are sound to begin with. And things now fall into place much more easily. The catch is not to get stuck in this mode of selectiveness and be able to balance openess with discernability. Otherwise, the world can become very narrow minded and redundant.

So...pick your path selectively but also spontaneously :)