Remembering how to write

She thought to herself how she used to write in the third person as a dog or a cat. What would I write about now if I wrote a short story, what could possibly pop into my head now that can be as simple and eloquent as a cat who doesnt like baths? As we grow older and have more life experiences, she thought, our stories tend to overcomplicate themselves. Just like Matisse went back to his childhood drawings of simplicity, so do I want to write in a lyrical flow about lifes simple passing moments.

This morning when she awoke, she saw the blinding bright light again. It has been happening most of this week, where she wakes up and feels like she could be on a stranded beach somewhere, the bright sun reflecting off the sand. But no, she wasnt on a beach, she was in her room. The room that was threatening to engulf her, to trap her in its low ceilings and never let her explore outward.

When she goes down to the kitchen for that cup of tea, each step seems to bring her back to when she lived in another house with three floors and a staircase. Somedays it doesnt seem like so long ago that she lived in that house with her parents; in that neighbourhood above the skyline.

As she sips her tea she wonders what she would do today.

She walks down the path along the river where no one would find her. The sound of the river fills her ears as if a wave flooded her being. Her senses awaken and her eyes open to the fall colors in the trees and on the ground. The tall grasses shly wave goodmorning, another butterfly dances across her face.

I could be here all day, she thought. I could be here all day, until I truly see into the soul of every tree, of every blade of grass, of every animal that I hear. She touches the branches, she loves the feel of a rough piece of bark in her hands. She winds her way through the farm and up into the orchard. It always amazed her how every fruit grew from a small bead to become a pound of food. She didnt learn that until she moved away from the city.

The morning sun was getting lower and soon it became afternoon. There seemed to be tasks and chores ahead, so she started back toward the house. She never liked to take the same path back, and so she went up and over a little hill before descending back to town.

As soon as her house was in sight, she felt a sense of hesitation. Those long walks that so rejuvenate her also give rise to ever pending thoughts. That chair on the porch always pulled at her, but being back at the house meant an end to this particular walk; an end to this particular pending thought. It also meant an end to this particular little glimpse at her own soul.

Seeing at eye level

Maybe I have really mellowed out with age. I think about when I was a vegetarian, a raw foodist, a hot yoga enthusiast, or when I was a calculus craze, or when I used to erase and rewrite every letter in a word if it was'nt perfect. Someone who is all these things is bound to have a more judgemental outlook, a bigger ego. No matter how much of the intention is fighting for the good, upholding the code of conduct and morals; it ultimately still comes from a place of seperation and not equanimity. But where is everyone coming from? The same place.

More and more I learn to look everyone at eye level; not just blinded by one perspective.

Life is Perfect: perfectly strange

I am here and here is now. Here, now, is perfect. It hit me tonight after dinner as I was dreaming of Pacheco. I started to see so many paralells between Pacheco and Nelson. Both these places of scared energy, places for transformation. It makes so much sense now, the journey I had to go through after the transformation game. All the places i saw, and most importantly the good and many bad experiences I encountered. Both Nelson and Pacheco are places of such strong energy one is only meant to be there to transform and leave. After only a short time in Nelson so much shit hit the fan that I was very worried. It is like what the couple from San Franciso said, if you are aware and willing to tap into that well of energy, your life goes fast forward times ten when you come to Nelson. It was like that for me in Pacheco too. So much happened so fast. It sucked me in and soon it pushed me out. The canyon welcomes you, but also lets you know when its time for you to leave. It is so important for us to listen to that.
It feels so good to be here in Fernie. Even though life is always uncertain and things are still unsettling right now, it feels good to know everything that was strange in the past 4 monthes was just perfect. No matter how long I meditate/reflect/introspect to reach that point of understanding when I have conflict in my life, that point of understanding is always already right here and within my peripheral vision the entire time...!

Give the world the finger, pass the caramel corn please!

A week in Fernie and several days of cleaning other peoples houses later ( you first have to clean what you are paying to rent, no house is clean in the kootenays it seems )....I am here and jobless. Again uncertainty. Life is uncertain enough as is even if one has a job, a wife, a husband, children, a mailbox, a permanent address, a line of credit....imagine a life without any of those things...it is liberating yet very lonely and frustrating. Hard to stay afloat and focused on our goals when we are given complete freedom. People who have an abundance of money and a lack theroff run into this same problem. I think i would rather be the rich one. Then at least i wouldnt be a slave to fate. O well, the grass is always greener on the other side. Anyway, both fate and money has carried me here thus far. It is very beautiful and still souful here in Fernie. Yet flaky people are everywhere and I see that here as well. The kootenays man....!
Upon my first day here I went to a local woodwork place that was advertising for workers. I was told I could be slot in on Monday. It is a week later and still no word. I call and they say they want workers and are apologetic, they keep saying the head carpenter will get back to me. Is everyone on some other clock around these parts or what?
The past year has been so much about following my gut that my gut is tired of giving any signals. I ask the heart for advice and it too has told me to fuck off. So I proceeded to buy a bag of caramel corn and now I feel a little better. You know how sometimes you are walking your path and staying true to your heart and you run into all sorts of disheartening road blocks? You start to lose all patience and you want to give the world the finger....yes I am very much at that point now. Infact I would like to give everyone the finger. And no I am not on any hormonal drugs, although there is a lot of sugar in this caramel corn...

Music for the upbeat melancholy romantic

Last month I was addicted to Jesse Cooks’ Tempest. I just could not get enough of it. Over and over again, I sat through the entire album. The past couple of days I am going through a different album: Eric Claptons Unplugged. I picture myself at the live performance, dying in the presence of such beauty. The following artists I have put on heavy rotation lately, since they never fail to put a smile on my face; some because they are so upbeat, others because they are simply amazing. So if you want to smile: Including the above two, I have been enjoying-

Tim O’Brien: Traveler
bluegrass songs about travelling, enduring love, the restless spirit.
David Byrne: Feelings and Look into the Eyeball
intelligent and witty, never fails to put me in a good mood.
Paul Simon Rhythm of the Saints
all the drum beats and the world music flavor makes me see the world as wide open.
Loose Ties: Yule Tie
I play this Christmas CD all year round and it drives people crazy. It is the most upbeat bluegrass merry music, what christmas music should be about!
Lyle Lovett
quirky, sarcastic, dark humor, odd, bluesy. Perfect for those quirky, sarcastic, dark humor, odd times.
Live: The Distance to Here
I am not a fan of some of the hard music but I find the lyrics profound, unbelievable.
Bob Dylan and Grateful Dead
For sitting out in the wood shed and thinking about everything and nothing at all
Jackie Green: American Myth
A young roots and blues artist who can write lyrics, simultaneously sings, plays the harmonica, guitar, piano, keyboard; and puts on an amazing show.
Tenacious D
Especially the inward singing song when he fires his bandmate, I have fallen over laughing.
Indigo Girls
I find their voices so beautiful and harmonius. They can sing about toilets and I would still love them...
Nusraf Fateh Ali Khan: Magic Touch
How did this guy make such cutting edge Indian music at his age? Must have been the magic touch.
Ry Cooder and VM Bhatt: Meeting by the River
Music recorded on the Ganges. For mornings, evenings, and painting music during the day.
Bob Marley and Wailers, The Ethiopians
Takes away even the biggest frown on a face.
Johann Strauss Jr
If you don't feel upbeat listening to waltz...?Look below coz upbeat is not your thing...!

For the mellow melancholy times
John Denver, Neil Young, Gordon Lightfoot

For the mellow romantic times
Tracy Chapman, Natalie Merchant

“Lately I’ve been running on faith...”

Coincidently, my favorite song on the Unplugged album even before I started listening to the lyrics.
That transformation game was no joke. Looking back, I can only laugh. Just before Sept 2nd when Saturn leaves my realm, it is deciding to leave with a KABAAM! Because I certainly did not expect most of my savings would be drained in the last few monthes, nor did I expect that by now I would still be jobless and homeless. And I definetly did not expect to be taken for and stalked by seemingly decent folks. Come to think of it, the thing that has been most rewarding is that I did'nt really have any expectations for this place, just some hopeful intentions. The fact that I have been taking it one day at a time has made things much easier.

Don’t have expectations, have intentions and actions. And faith!

Lessons of a wandering artist

It has been three weeks since I've been cocooned at my neighbours great empty pad. Instead of saying, “It has been three weeks what have I done?”, I shall say, “It has been three weeks, what have I learned?” Well....I have noticed that Nelson is a very intense and yet very forgiving place to learn ones lessons. After the last two monthes of limbo involving some very disheartening yet comical, mystical, and insightful adventures, I feel my lessons have been a how to of this list:

1.) Set boundaries
2.) Balance compassion with loserfilter
3.) Protect oneself with confidence, calm, and reason
4.) Don’t let oneself be taken for
5.) Purification through meditation, not always through karmic suffering
6.) Letting go of past suffering.

Sometimes I feel so old, yet I am always reminded that I am really only 23. I am just a newborn twitching my fingers and toes. All of the above I am still learning, just like any other young adult. And these are undoubtedly life-long lessons, though I do hope I get a better handle on them before I get old and grumpy with no teeth...

meheheh : ]

Selective spontaneity

Sometimes when I am faced with many choices, I secretly wish that most of them will turn out crappy except for one. This is a psychological downfall of non-decisiveness. If I have 2 parties to go to, or 3 houses to look at for rent, or 3 job offers, why would i want to wish that most of them will turn out shoddy and strange? Its because if they are all miraculously great I will be tempted by all of the choices and not be able to make a sound decision. It is this secret wish that most of the offers I get in life will be shoddy except for one exceptional perfect ding! that makes life sometimes just this way. How ridiculously dumb is that? Yes, that is me!
So these days I try to focus on being selective. I try to pick my battles, not catch everything thrown at me, and trust that my choices are sound to begin with. And things now fall into place much more easily. The catch is not to get stuck in this mode of selectiveness and be able to balance openess with discernability. Otherwise, the world can become very narrow minded and redundant.

So...pick your path selectively but also spontaneously :)

Daydreaming in nature

I miss sleeping outside in the woods. The chill of the night air settling is one of my favorite things in the world. When all you hear are the crickets, the rustling of the leaves, and there is no sound of traffic at night. How lucky we were to have that in Pacheco every night. I miss the long walks in the woods. I miss Pacheco. Even though I was so isolated, the beauty of the canyon was very fulfilling. My daily walks on the sunset trail were the happiest times of my life. I felt ontop of the world and the view all around was always revealing. I like to be able to see the landscape bare as it is, to see the whole truth. I suppose that is why I got a little claustrophic in Lake Louise when I was always in the trees. I like big expansive views, whether it is seeing the horizon on the ocean, or the endless desert mesas, or being on the summit of a mountain.

Here in Nelson the views from Uphill are quite stunning too. The sillouette of the mountains across the lake are breathtaking. It reminds me of parts of Laos along the Mekong. Every evening, the mountains become infinite shades of grey blues as they recede into the distance. Come to think of it, I have had the luxury of living in nature for most of the last 7 years: Aldergrove, Weihai China, Santa Fe, Lake Louise Alberta, India, Laos, Thailand.

I find that living in nature lets me have room to listen to my thoughts. It lets me practice listening to my intuition and it helps to seek the quiet truth. It is as if nature gives me the urge, that little push I need, to wander beyond myself. It gives inspiration for the imagination; to dream.

Dear Mr you know who

Some days I am downright angry at you. Some days I just hurt so much that I don’t know what to do. Then there are the days when I remember the good times and I smile.

I was trying to adjust a part on my easel today, and as usual i forget whether to crank the knob right or left because both directions seem to make it tighter. I take a peak at the knob, and I see your writing in pencil on the wood: a tiny “loosen” and you drew a little arrow counter clockwise...

The other day, I thought of when you flipped Natalie and I over in the rowboat. Come to think of it, it was pretty amazing that in that few seconds you were able to dive for Natalie, put her in my arms, and catch the turtle that was swimming away...

The edge of hell- limbo

In limbo stage again. Why? Why am i always in limbo stage? At least the past few monthes anyway. If I want something, just go for it and everything else will fall into place. Or everything will fall apart and it will be for a good reason...... I am still waiting for the good reason.

Lately I have been asking alot of questions as to the events of the last four monthes. Why did he and I fall apart? Why was he so dead? Why did he treat me like shit when he claims to love me? Why did I even stay? Why did Alan die? Why did he move back to Jackson Hole 2 days after I left? Why do I believe in him when he does'nt believe in us? Why have I not found my nest yet? Why was Courtenay not the place? Why did I meet the women who lead me to Denman and Horby, then Saltspring Island, to play the transformation game? Why did i pick the last card "The toughest lessons are only for the very best students" ? I don't want the toughest lessons....! Why did things not get any easier after I transformed in the transformation game? Why, when I finally settled in Nelson, did more shit hit the fan? Why did I get screwed by people who seemed gounded and reasonable? Why are we taught lessons of setting boundaries when the world is about being open and kind? Maybe I have a totally wrong idea about what the world is meant to be. Maybe it is really supposed to be a dog-eat-dog kind of world. Why am I so optimistic when I can be more logical? Why do I either meet people who desire me and put me on a pedestal (creepy), or people who think I am not good enough? Why is this world so imbalanced? What is wrong with praying to Jesus Christ and finding the bodhichitta in the same breath? Why do people like to give and take, when we can just give unconditionally and trust that the world is abundant?

The past few monthes seem to be a cycle of mental, physical, spiritual, emotional challenges. No matter how I try to balance the secrets of manifesting, the humbleness of non-attachment, the courage of making things happen, the patience of letting things happen; the dust has yet to die down. As much as this journey has all been interesting and and somewhat revealing, I would just like to get on with finding a place to live, earning money again at part time job, focusing on my painting and preparing for more shows. Finding some people with a shared reality would be nice too. I have a cartoon image in my head that sums up the last few monthes, even the last few years; I am a little elf lugging around my belongings while constantly checking my sanity.

Another day of knowing that I know nothing. I ask the question: I feel I am trying but nothing is really working out, am I not being patient enough or am I not acting enough? I open the book “The Warrior of Light Manual” by Paulo Coelho, author of my favorite book The Alchemist. It falls to page 92 and 93

Page 92
The Warrior of Light is wary of people who think they know the path.

They are always so confident of their own ability to make decisions that they do not notice the irony with which destiny writes each life, and they always complain when the inevitable knocks at the door.

The Warrior of Light has dreams. His dreams carry him forward. But he never makes the mistake of thinking that the way is broad and the gate wide. He knows that the Universe functions in the same way as alchemy: solve et coagula said the masters- “Concentrate and disperse your energies according to the situation.”

There are moments one should act and moments when one should accept. The warrior knows how to distinguish these moments.

Page 93
The Warrior of Light, once he has learned how to use a sword, discovers that his equipment is still incomplete- he needs armour.

He sets off in search of this armous and he listens to the advice of various salesmen.

“Use the breastplate of solitude”, says one.

“Use the shield of cynicism”, says another.

“The best armour is not to get involved in anything, “ says a third.

The Warrior, however, ignores them. He calmly goes to his sacred place and puts on the indestructible cloak of faith.

Faith parries all blows. Faith transforms poison into crystal clear water.

Nelson experience

Here I am still in Nelson BC. I am looking around constantly at all the things I came for. And to be honest they are all here. The good food, the beautiful paintable scenary from the uphill view. The trails from Burlington Northern right near me. Some days i nag that they are not right outside my door, but they practically are. In Tesuque NM I would sometimes not go for a hike because i felt it was too much effort, even though i was living on the edge of the Santa Fe National Forest with its miles of terrain. Sometimes having it a little further makes you go out more often. I found being at the beautiful ranch actually made me a little lazier because I could just sit right on our front porch and look at it. The irony of having it all...

So the trails and forest right out the door thing, check. I have that
The rest of what I came for in Nelson:
Good food and good restaurants, check.
Local produce and locally made food, check
World class music and festivals coming to town, check
Kootenay Radio Co-op, good radio station, check
Theatre and ballet at Capitol, check
Banff film festival touring here, check
Acupuncture clinic with affordable sessions at Oriental Med School, check
Cowans art supply 20% off for pro artists, check
S.H.A.R.E store to get bits and pieces of everything used, check
Lots of good local shopping and my favorite store Hippersons Hardware, check
Valhalla Pure and Snowpack patagonia outlet, check
Champagne powder and someone to go backcountry with, check
Day and night skiing at nordic ski trails
A great rideshare website for rides even to spokane and vancouver airports since I fly often, check
A freecycle website to give and get things used and free, check
Freshwater beaches on Kootenay Lake, check
Local transit system, check
Shambala Meditation Centre and Sproule Creek Gompa
Selkirk College to bring in the college town feel (hopefully)

So why am I thinking of leaving? Because I havent found the people that I thought this community would have. I thought the people would be more down to earth yet artistic and souful. But all I have met are people who have strange neurosis and suck my energy, people who don’t know how to raise children, people who don’t know what they want, people who are passive agressive, people who are psychopaths. In general, people who are middle aged, own houses, have good jobs, yet don’t know how to act with morality and intergrity. It is as if no one has a good head on their shoulders...and everyone is on some kind of drugs/alcohol. For being known as a mellow mountain art town, Nelson is actually very much a “scene”. Perhaps if I start to set my boundaries, let go of the bad experiences and begin to project a new reality, things will get better. With a population of 10,000 people, I can’t possibly bring out the madness in every single one of them...?

After the last 10 days mishaps, I am temporarily at my neighbours beautiful house all to myself. He is a mtn guide who cooks for and guides German groups so he is often away in the summer. It just so happens he is looking for a housemate? In the past I would consider this a stroke of luck, it was meant to be, the stars are alligned, the clouds have parted, the new world is coming! But after the past month and a half in Nelson, I have really learned to be more cautious. As cold and stand offish as that sounds, this is a town where one really has to look out and be patient if one wants to stay around.

And so the Nelson experience continues....will I stay? Will I move to Fernie? Will I get stalked again? I hope not....

DON'T read my blog

This blog thing can be quite intimidating. I haven't posted in awhile bcause I feel that I have to edit the events of the past two weeks into something more presentable. I feel like once I click the publish button, THATS IT! Even though I know that absolutely no one reads this blog (yet), pushing the publish button is like opening the door to Yves Saint Laurent the morning of their annual purse sale. Throngs of people will rush in for their dream purse and there is no way to get them to leave. If the goods are not there, they wil get very angry and beat up a few bodyguards.
Concurrently an Asian comparison to the situation would be similarly disastrous. A good case study would be the bun craze the last time I was back in Malaysia. The city of KL had a serious addiction for a sweet and savoury bun that had a buttery filling and crumbly topping. I stood in line on a sunday morning at the mall, waiting for this holy bun to come out fresh from the oven. People bought them in dozens. I didnt dare look behind me: at the earnest faces of those bulging eyes, praying that there will be at least three left for each one of them.

This blog is by no means as tintilizing as a YSL purse or THE buttery bun of all buns, but im telling you it can be quite intimidating pushing the publish button...

I guess what I am trying to say is, DON'T read my blog!

Desperate Seekers

It all takes time to comprehend, the journey that began three monthes ago. Or the one that began three and a half years ago. But when one has a close encounter with a bear like I did last week, it can shake out all comprehension and reasoning. Sometimes a good dose of fear and adrenaline helps to sharpen my wits, especially after my constant psycho-analyzing gets way too complex.
Perhaps this swimming in inspirational woowoo literature has finally changed the chemical make-up of my brain to one of a new-age freaker. My sister claims I am going waaay up in the clouds, and that I need to get some logic before anything else. Could I really be spending too much time listening to sadhus in the dark, opening my doors to Jehovahs Witness’, meditating with people who think Vietnam is left of China? In essence, how did I manage to get myself into this mess? I mean...other realm of consciousness?
I guess the occult and metaphysical has always fascinated me, and I sense this is the year to dig a little deeper. With all the freaker seekers like myself trying to make a mole hill out of this thing called life, it seems likely that cults are going to make a big comeback this century. There should be, if there isn’t one already, a reality show or sitcom called “Desperate Seekers”. Most viewers, with no TVs, would telepathically tune in. The show would preferably be sometime between 2-5am, during the hour of the Tiger, when the heart chakras are wide open.

Call me up if they need any extras...

The game of life

I am now newly moved to Nelson, BC. Living Uphill at a cute little house with beautiful views. I finally got here, after two monthes of searching and roaming from the islands to the Rockies, beginning with a game of transformation with strangers in Saltspring. It occurs to me so often, how tiring this game of seeking can be. Sometimes I get so so sick of following this strange path and having encounters with strange people that literally pop out of the bushes at me. At the same time I know I welcome them into my life, and the mystery of the unknown drives me on. For what? What is this worldly ambition of understanding? After four years away from this blog I wake up everyday realizing that I know nothing at all. My perception of reality is that there is no reality. I ask myself, “Is this really me?” This adventurous warrior spirit thing, is it really my thing? Because this “thing” is always having me dig deep, very very deep for more courage, more compassion, more humility, more understanding, more TRUST. And this “thing” causes doubt, struggles, expansion, sometimes depression. Until one day I am sure I will become the meanest person there is!
Yet I am told there should be no struggle because nature takes the path of least resistance. I am told suffering is optional, and “you will be okay, just don’t ever be sad”, and the best advice so far repeated in every pop song “keep on smiling”. But last week I got stung by a wasp and since then I can’t even smile, so now what? All that is left for me to do this week is consult my horoscope by Rob Brezsny

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You've arrived at the recreate-yourself-from-scratch phase of your cycle. To celebrate, I've gathered three apt pieces of advice for you to scrawl on a piece of paper that you'll put under your pillow. (1) "Almost everything comes from almost nothing." - Henri-Frédéric Amiel. (2) "The best way to predict your future is to create it." - Peter Drucker. (3) "Leap and the net will appear." - Zen saying.

Is this some kind of a joke? Off course it is. Rob Brezsny horoscopes always amuse me.

One can only smile at this funny place,
unless you have been stung by a wasp...

Hmm.......

"hmm...." my favorite phrase for every occasion. It is 3:33 on Tuesday. It seems my blog has been floating in space since 2003. Well now I have come out of the mountains...to add more to this blog smog